Christmas Time.

 

I feel like I've been away for so long. As you can very well imagine, this is going to be a very strange period of my life. Your words that you offered on my last post comforted me, and I thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. It's too soon to even begin to tell you my thoughts, and what I'm feeling. I will say this. I'm my Mother's sensitive child, and I always have been. I remember as a child, feeling the pain of people around me. I would have sooner lost my own arm than see anything happen to an animal. I always had permission to cry, get the emotions out. I was never told to buck up...that boys don't cry. But, maybe I was sensitive because I was gay. My little brother Chris was raised the same way, and yet he didn't cry. During this entire thing, I saw his eye's get moist only once. Somewhere he learned to internalize it. Stifle it, shut it down. I think God I cry, I talk, I feel, I emote. Something my Mother taught me. But that's why I was so much like her.

 For the first few days after she died, I seriously felt her hand cross my lower back, holding me upright. It was as if she was saying, "You can do this, it's all going to be okay". Everyone around me expected me to break, to collapse and die...but I didn't.

Don't get me wrong, I cried. But I got up and did what I had to do. Made all the decisions, casket, clothes, arrangements on getting her back to Arkansas, flowers, the mass and rosary, which readings, and what music. I did it all, mostly because I asked her the questions and I was the only one who knew the answers. I was happy to do it, since I needed to finish it.

I came home from Arkansas, and through myself into decorating for Christmas, and even though my heart isn't into it, I did it for her. Christmas was her favorite time of year, and my love of the season came from her. It turned out really beautiful and different. We did a natural woodland Christmas. Nothing shiny and bright. It really fits my mood. There's a quietness about the holiday decorations this year.

I'm sure there will be more talk in the future. To be completely honest, I thought about stopping this blog. I figured that maybe I had done it enough. But there are going to be times where I fell like I may need to talk. This might the reason I need to keep it for awhile. Thanks for listening.

Love, Paul

 

Comments

[Kathy]

Oh don't stop your blog! We need to form as many connections as we can to each other in these times kathy

[Sharon Bennett]

Paul, I love your strength and power during this time of sorrow. Your deorations are beautiful. Your Mom loves them even now, as she will continue to, each year as always. And even though I am a girl, I was also told to "buck up" when I was young when things would happen. So, I have never been a crier through out much of my life, but I fnd now I want to blubber at the least little thing. LOL, age, I guess! I understand the blog thing. But whatever you decide, always remember, we will be here waiting for you when you return as always, my friend.

[kelly]

Paul, I'm also the "sensitive one" in the family and I'm also very thankful for being that one.
I know that your heart isn't into blogging right now, but thank you. Thank you for being the wonderful person that you are and for sharing the gift that is you. We are all the more richer for it. To be quite selfish, we'd miss you if you stopped. Your blog is one of the very few where I don't just look at the pictures but I stop and read your words. My favorite blogs are the ones where the writers open up and offer honest, real posts that give us a glimpse of who they are and the talents that they have. Your blog does that and so much more.
Your Mother did such a beautiful job raising you. Her love for you shines through in every post. Thank you for being the sensitive one and for sharing all that you do.

[Susie LaFond]

Paul you are such a sweet, inspiring, and good man. Every post you've ever shared here I have read, sometimes leaving a thought and sometimes not, but no matter what you've; the good, the creative, the bright, journey's far and wide, the hard and painful times, it's all touched my heart, it's made me smile and cry too. In such a great big world, I'd have never have met you, known you, but through the grace of this small space. I'd miss out on knowing such a beautiful soul. You are a bright light and I'm guessing that began with the love of your Mom. Many hugs
xxxoooxxx

[Pam]

My heart goes out to you Paul. Praying that the angels come and surround you with peace and love to heal your grieving heart.

[Sister Carol]

Merry Christmas Brother!