I feel like I've been away for so long. As you can very well imagine, this is going to be a very strange period of my life. Your words that you offered on my last post comforted me, and I thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. It's too soon to even begin to tell you my thoughts, and what I'm feeling. I will say this. I'm my Mother's sensitive child, and I always have been. I remember as a child, feeling the pain of people around me. I would have sooner lost my own arm than see anything happen to an animal. I always had permission to cry, get the emotions out. I was never told to buck up...that boys don't cry. But, maybe I was sensitive because I was gay. My little brother Chris was raised the same way, and yet he didn't cry. During this entire thing, I saw his eye's get moist only once. Somewhere he learned to internalize it. Stifle it, shut it down. I think God I cry, I talk, I feel, I emote. Something my Mother taught me. But that's why I was so much like her.
For the first few days after she died, I seriously felt her hand cross my lower back, holding me upright. It was as if she was saying, "You can do this, it's all going to be okay". Everyone around me expected me to break, to collapse and die...but I didn't.
Don't get me wrong, I cried. But I got up and did what I had to do. Made all the decisions, casket, clothes, arrangements on getting her back to Arkansas, flowers, the mass and rosary, which readings, and what music. I did it all, mostly because I asked her the questions and I was the only one who knew the answers. I was happy to do it, since I needed to finish it.
I came home from Arkansas, and through myself into decorating for Christmas, and even though my heart isn't into it, I did it for her. Christmas was her favorite time of year, and my love of the season came from her. It turned out really beautiful and different. We did a natural woodland Christmas. Nothing shiny and bright. It really fits my mood. There's a quietness about the holiday decorations this year.
I'm sure there will be more talk in the future. To be completely honest, I thought about stopping this blog. I figured that maybe I had done it enough. But there are going to be times where I fell like I may need to talk. This might the reason I need to keep it for awhile. Thanks for listening.